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[Thu, Sep 28th, 2006 at 2:29pm<=LASTN_DATE_FORMAT] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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has the poet been to long forgotten?
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[Thu, Sep 21st, 2006 at 10:03am<=LASTN_DATE_FORMAT] |
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mood |
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in pain (alone) |
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my mind has been racing my soul has been dieing and i was curious who was out there looking my way i understand that what i had conceived before has become more and more logical so this might as well be my last post because i have no more soul to put into this... my soul is either long dead or in hibernation once again im sorry for everything i did i love you all and i will see you guys at somepoint soon somtime
heres a small poem to end with some art and a bit of meaning
I can recall the feel and smell of the rusty box that was traped in my head
i can recall the scabs and open wounds from scraping at the walls and how they bled
then fate blessed my soul with angels the friends i now know to this day
they helped me escape my self encagement and because of them alive i stay
then fate realized that i had gotten to comfortable and was not pleased and showed me who i must truly be through this shell
its never easy to comprehend but i must be a devil because im going to hell
FIN
i know it sucks but im sorry im not at my finest right now
ttfn
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| an apology to all from the benevolent spirit |
[Wed, Sep 20th, 2006 at 9:03am<=LASTN_DATE_FORMAT] |
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mood |
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Dead |
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alone cold and fragile. i guess its best if i kept my suffering from the world and slowly drown out my sorrows
in the white noise. im sorry if i hurt anyone in my sweet blind sorrow,nobody needs another depressed soul leaving post and doing other things that must rub people the wrong way ...im sorry im broken, im sorry i fuck up im sorry if i bring you pain im sorry if i scared you im sorry for not being real...a ghost still has dreams, when it thinks its alive. but this ghost has seen the truth and im sorry for haunting you(to clerify "you" means every or anyone who shall read this post)
im sorry for this post
im tired...i give up, im going to bed
-the great poetic spectre
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| a fire to be burnt away |
[Mon, Sep 18th, 2006 at 2:22pm<=LASTN_DATE_FORMAT] |
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mood |
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lost |
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Underneath the bridge
The tarp has sprung a leak
And the animals I've trapped
Have all become my pets
And I'm living off of grass
And the drippings from the ceiling
It's okay to eat fish
'Cause they don't have any feelings
[x3]
Something in the way, mmm
Something in the way, yeah, mmm -nirvana
To crumble like dried up mud,the type of mud that crusts, the type that gives the false sense of solidity until somthing with actual solidity crashes into the mud causing it to begin crumbling inwards. i realized that i must be just a shell of mud nothing but crust for it makes sense why i feel like dirt. im going to use quite a bit of lyrics in this post so if you chose not to read this its ok there no fault on your behalf nor should there ever be, free will is indeed a beutifull thing, and i diserve none of it. maybe i was put on this earth to simply influence the many people i met to prove their exsistance inportance to show them that they have the ability to become astounding people because they are, all the people i call friend are so amazing and i know that and i hope i have helped at least to show them that truth. or maybe i was put here for nothing more than to die off and be that fuzzy memory in the back of the heads of the people i have touched that they cannot remember, maybe im destined to be forgotten ergo making my existace null in void. but i know in my heart that i have helped people but why can i not help myself of all people to help i cannot help myself so i sink to keep other peoples heads above the water...fair trade i guess. i feel as though i have no purpose like anything i become good at eventually fails and i never become good at it again. am i suposed to give up now am i suposed to shrivel up and die. am i destined to be a martyr without a cause, or do i have a cause.i would give up all the things i own for one glimpse of what i am to become................................................................................................................................
(sigh) heres a tea party song
I want the world to wake
I want to give you peace
I want to vindicate
You need to be released
Don't want to hurt you
I need to make you see
If I desert you
Its just to make you see
That I'm a man that's weak
And I'm a man that's lost
I give it all away
To complicate the cost
Don't want to hurt you
I need to make you see
If I desert you
Its just to make you see
I'm not going to hurt you now
I need to make you see
If I desert you now
Its just to make you see
I want you to be free
I want you to be free from me -the tea party
no one disserves to tastes the curuption that i must spread
you all disserve to be free i dont
i disserve nothing and i will receive all that i disserve
im cold im tired i hurt im weak and blind and deaf im missing a soul and i need a smoke
-the poet
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| the lonely God |
[Thu, Sep 7th, 2006 at 10:08am<=LASTN_DATE_FORMAT] |
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mood |
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splintered,frayed |
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Yes, it has been ages since my last post and sadly enough my first post is not a joyeous one or uplifting, nay... i wish i were in an uplifting mood. lately i have fallen and it seems that no one is around to help me out of this pit of mud,shit and razor wiremaybe my mind is inpared maybe im a little blind but it seems like everyone has turned a deaf ear to me and a blind eye. im slowly splintering and fraying the splinter pushing deeper inside of me. it weird it like im drowning in a place with no water, to drown and to dehydrate what a feeling. and i dont expect people to help its not there job, somhow i have place this upon myself, kharma is balancing the scales.i dont know what to do anymore i just want to give up so badly, i need to find a way to shed this shell of inner pain depretion desperation want and need. i need to find a way to feel real, somtimes i feel as though im in a dream wanting to wake from this numbing dream but then i realize that im no dreaming and i realy am awake the wrold is moving all around me but i cannot move the sounds of life playing like the most amaing song in the world but i hear no notes the colour briliant as a pecaso but i see only grey should i go or should i stay i always feel that i should die today. the lines are bekoming blurry where is this road leading me...im tired, i need a smoke.
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[Wed, Jun 21st, 2006 at 12:26pm<=LASTN_DATE_FORMAT] |
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mood |
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uncomfortable |
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so this shall be my last post from this school area for a while my home computer is still out of comission so if your part of my freinds list then obviously i care about you so during the duration of the summer please do not forget me give me a call well i must leave for now il hopfully hear from you soon.
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| death taunting me once again... |
[Wed, May 24th, 2006 at 2:23pm<=LASTN_DATE_FORMAT] |
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mood |
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standing in the reapers shadow |
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(there will probably be allot of song quotes in this post so il have them in {} ) ...{ a groan of tedium escapes me startling the fearfull, is this a test? it has to be, otherwise i cant go on...} i have found the coble stone path that i have been following has been flooded leaving only steping stones to cross this semly unending river and each stone is geting further and further away from each other the namless entity that has been the fuel to the drive to keep me breathing has becoming more and more scarce. am i making sense or am i falling through? im walking on a surface that i doubt will hold my weight for long the cracks for boad somthing it my future, am i walking on glass or ice? feeling faint so weak and powerless. drained like a victem of a ravenous vampire. i must leave, i wish i could continue and explain more of my situation but sadly i cannot so think this as a to be contunued and i will finish this another time, so until then i shall fade away into the umbra compleaty invisible and unoticed once again
-the poet
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| built up to crumble (weakened by this) |
[Tue, May 9th, 2006 at 2:56pm<=LASTN_DATE_FORMAT] |
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mood |
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turned to ruble |
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today i woke up, it may be hard to understand you may be thinking "everyone wakes up" but not i. i usually slowly wake up withen an hour, but tday i actually woke up and got up and i new somthing was going to happen today. i went to school early and found my queen which was a good start of the day, after endouring my two classes me and telle and grant ventured to the resteraunt where we hung until my mother showed up check in hand the check was to me and i thought well it cannot possibly be anything over 20$ but when i finally opened it with much suprise it was for 808.89$ i could clearly remember my jaw droping and i became estatic but in my heart i knew it was to good to be true but the stupid side of me said "CELEBRATE! THIS IS AMAZING THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES!!" and i started to think and plan what i would do with the money and i realized the first thing i wanted to do was to treat my shining jewl to dinner and i was happy but somthing sick in my stumache was pulling at me i tried to ignore it and stay in the god mood i was in but i guess i should have gone with my gut instinct...then i was told that i could not have any of the money and as fast as i was built up on this beautiful alter it was destroyed with one clean stroke leaving me in ashes and ruble sick like a dying baby animal afraid of everything shaking weak and helpess
the pain so intense it was almost disabiling... i found myself seing myself as this monster this dsigusting pile if roten garbage and i broke down i cried and that above all hurt the most...i guess i am truly weak..this facade that kept me alive for over eighteen years broke and thus so did i...what the future plots to do to me next shall probably be just as hard if not worse...i await it...my freedom may be closer thatn i originally thought....................................................................................................................................................................................FUCK....
-the poet
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| school shall be the death of me (ashes to ashes) |
[Wed, May 3rd, 2006 at 10:27am<=LASTN_DATE_FORMAT] |
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mood |
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broken |
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well fate has found another way to desroy my life once again...this repition is indeed geting monotonous,this time i have to fight. see the low down is i have a week to prove to the school that i can do my work and be worthwile havingin school if i fail then il lose the rest of my classes and so i am now under the gun and i have been devided once again one side want me to FIGHT and scrap and pull through nomatter how bloody it may become (metaphoricly speaking). the other half of me want me to just let go and give up and slowly wither away like smoke dispersing through the air
i think this place is getting to me... i think im getting ...the fear
i got to go...this week is going to be hell on earth
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| The Living example of a mistake (me) |
[Mon, May 1st, 2006 at 2:57pm<=LASTN_DATE_FORMAT] |
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mood |
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Meh! |
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Times have been hard as of recently i have been becoming really hard on myself and because of that im becoming very fragile and i feel like im a living example of a mistake.
i try helping out my friends and i try being there for them but when one needs me so dose another but thats ok friends need friends, but everyone seems to get pissed off at me. i know it must be because of how horrible of a person i may be or somthing but i try so hard to be there for all my close friends and somtimes it just feels as though all the good things i do arent seen as good thing but for the bad things that my good deeds might imply but i imply nothing ... im just being stipid and emptional and ..blah but i really care about my friends and they seem to prefere to find ways to be mad at me...believe me when i say this: i would die for any of my friends if i had to there amazing people and i cherish having them as my friends and it helps me keep a sunny disposition that i have som many beautifull people but it dose hurt me when they decide to think sour about me and because of me being very sensitive it hurts all the lot more
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| Time to probably sleep |
[Wed, Apr 26th, 2006 at 3:22am<=LASTN_DATE_FORMAT] |
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mood |
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 deadly alive |
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this is my first live journal, journal thing, il try my best but because it is a journal and is suposed to be raw emotion i can garantee that my spelling and grammar shall suck but hopfully it shall not be too boring...its weird writing a journal.
Well now that i used up my quota of using the word "journal" i shall now follow out my plan on writing a journal and if people have a problem with any of my future and or recent post...well i just dont really phucking swear (that is my many ways of spelling the word fuck).
today was an extreamly odd day i went through this savearly heavy depression do to stress and problem and because im truly fucked in the head, wich has its good sides and bad sides the good side i can show my intelegence and be really funny and fun to be around and the bad side ...well i dont think i could truly describe my bad side mainly because im usualy alone and it feels like the walls around my heart and soul is slowly colapsing in and i know that i cannot allow people to compleatly see this depressed man although its truly impossible to compleatly disguise my mood when it gets in to the extreme side off this 3-d emotional spectrum but i try to hide it the best i can by sadly using a mask, obviously a metaphorical one im not actually that crazy to use an actual mask...well i probably would do it so anyway i put up this facade because i know that emotion can never stay in one person it all around emenating from the body like flame, and because of that it mingles with other people emotion and if someone emotion is in the extreme and they are not trying to concele or they just cannot possible to hide (keep in mind im not condoning bottling up thy emotion its never really the best thing but im always hard on myself because on my priority list im always last..if that) it can effect the moods in the radiace almost like a cloud and of course it cannot be helped and no one should ever bill put acountable for that because it is truly better out than in because then when its out in the open it can the be confronted and delt with and then there should be no reason the cling on to it anymore (just for somwhat of a fact from expeariance, its better to confront the problomatic emotiong and deal with the and let them go but when its somthing good always keep it with you because good memories can truly help recunstruction of the soul. as you can see im pretty fucked up im actually quite tired my two watches tell me its 3:44 a.m ... i got school tommorow...my other half will not be there ergo i do stress going there although most of my friends go there its just that at this time school for me is a place i must go but whenever im there its like im drowning and i actually find it quite nice to be able to breath therefor school and i abviously clash at the moment latly i have been feeling this deep sence of worthlessness and self animosity i feel like im a compleat moron and its truly consuming my soul and leving it in a smoulding pile of remains
and i do get called a moron or idiot at least once a day and though its done with pure light heartedness im at the point that im already calling myself that and im starting to belive myself and when i am told that it hurts it dose but i mean i hold no grudges and i know no harm was ment by it so i try to "take it on the chin". by the way my other half and or my queen or my shining jewl shall not be named ever because its on a need to know masis and if your my friend then you should know who she is if not just ask. ive been going through some really hard times and i just feel like giving up and it hurt me so much because im writing a full size novel at the moment and i really think it can turn out to be somthing big either that or i suffer from visions of grandieur but anyway it have had many people read my story and have like really amazing coments but latly i just feel like anything i do is utter garbage and it dosent even diserve to be done... i just wish i could get some input on my story but i cannot inpose on anyone i know i do at times and i alway rip at myself with guilt about it...i dont know i feel like im being draged and being treated like the town retard...fucking get me a green fucking football helmet and il be set, ladys an gentle men the real life speacial Ed . the good thing about today was i got to hang with a good majority of my friends...that rocked,and of course i spent some time with my shining jewl wich always makes me happy because i feel like im alive for a reason to love her she drew me a picture of a red rose and its so beautifull and in the bottom a short note detailing her feelings for me... it made me feel so good...i just wish i could feel like i am good enough for her...my mind is a constant battle beating me down i wish i could feel like i have worth that i am wanted my queen makes me feel that but when she is not around almost everyone im with i feel unwanted like a scab thats just beging to be picked off...fuck it its late and im being a retard and this post has gone on enough and im sorry for being a big winer or bore i am usually a really good guy i guess not right now...*sigh* im done im sorry i cannot continue anyomre right now good night fuck its almost 4:20... thought it would be funny to leav with a double meaning.
good night
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